November 30, 2010 Comments Off on Auditions suck.
Tonight I managed to try out for a solo for the first time in a very long time. I dearly hope that there is no one in the world who likes auditioning. It’s a terrible experience. And it’s worse because I am now an expert at getting psyched out of things.
Case in point: The piece with the solo for which I auditioned begins with very very quiet octave leaps and high stuff. My problem is, I am so trained to respond to what the director does that when he shushes the choir, I try to sing quieter, even though I can’t sing that high that softly. He kept giving the sopranos advice, and I’m pretty sure it was directed at me because I wasn’t doing well. He even tried moving me, probably because my voice stuck out unpleasantly from the other sopranos, who are mostly competent. So I was already nervous about my abilities and the director’s opinion of me even before the solo tryouts came up. Once they did, I actually did okay, but Bruce asked me to do it again with more openness, so then I got really nervous about what he thought of me. Did he want to give it to me, since he was trying to improve me? Or was he disappointed when I didn’t do much better the second time? I won’t find out until Thursday.
The root of all this is, of course, my drama with the music department, which made me massively insecure about my abilities. At the same time, I was trying out for every single solo in Concert Choir, and not getting any of them. My director told me at one point, “Your voice has a shimmering clarity that is very beautiful, but I just don’t think you’ll carry over the strings.” So every time I tried out for a solo, I was more nervous than the last time, and when I didn’t get it, I got more insecure, and then the next time I tried out for a solo, I was more nervous than the last time…and so on. And so finally I quit trying out for solos and kept my head down. Now I’m trying out again, and I am sort of afraid I’m putting my confidence on the line. But I’m not sure. I guess we’ll see what happens come Thursday. But it really bothers me that this is such a big deal. Maybe if I get it I’ll become totally mellow about solos. That would be awesome. We’ll see.