June 8, 2011 Comments Off on Left Behind
I feel like a petulant little kid for even thinking about writing this post; I’m basically throwing a fit because everyone I know is doing something cool. But there you are.
Rachael is Teaching the Children in Oklahoma, ditching her terrible job and catapulting across the country in a romantic, almost cinematic move.
Chris is moving to Canada to do even more psychology and to make a big stride in his relationship.
Kelly is applying to grad school to study Chinese architecture at the World’s Fair, which sounds fantastically interesting and I’m excited to read her paper on it.
Simon is applying to med school, and working on his personal statement means he’s running a lot of compelling stuff by me regarding why he wants to be a doctor and how he intends to help the world.
But dammit, I have passions, too! I want to change the world, too! I have ideas about what I’d like to be doing now, but I feel like the opportunities I used to feel all around me have closed up like flowers at nightfall. Simon points out that all these people took at least a year off school before deciding on a course of action, but that doesn’t help. I’ve always considered these people on the same plane with me, just by virtue of being friends with them. And now everyone is taking off around me while I sit forlornly on the ground, left behind.
I know it’s just a matter of being patient and keeping my eyes open. It will take a really prolonged drought to convince me that the world will not eventually present everyone with something they can get behind and dig into. But the world has already catered to everyone I know. What about me, I want to know. I’m interested in everything! How is it possible I haven’t already found something that I enjoy? Inevitably this leads me into a self-hate spiral: I must just be lazy. Either that or I’m not actually good at anything. I’ll never find a job. Maybe I’ll just sit at home and pout and eat junk food. I must be worthless, because I’m sitting at home pouting and eating junk food. Now there’s nothing for it but to sit at home and pout some more and eat more junk food. And so on.
I’ve never been someone who was put out by other people’s passion and happiness, and I’m not going to start now. I really, truly am happy for and proud of the people I know who are going after something—and everyone I can think of who’s pursuing something is someone I can see being one of the very best at what they do. The trouble is, I think I could be the very best at something, too, and I’m impatient to start getting there. I’m sick of feeling stuck.